din0_sars

Art, art, arty art art art.

2008-05-06T12:15:52Z

It's not much, but you have no idea what you're unable to accomplish with a $300.00 Dell Dimension 3000 from a pawn shop with 200-some-odd MB of RAM and a firewall problem, so shut up, drool at my new picture and wait for my next update.
Assholes.

Oh, and if you don't know the song it's illustrating, you live under a rock. Watch Kill Bill.

Oh, look. An update.

2008-04-14T16:49:06Z

No graphics yet; I'm still setting up my new fancy-shmancy pawn shop computer here with all of my wonderful crap, so chew on this for awhile:

VS

I know a lot of you are confused. I know that not everyone, despite the polularity of R. A. Salvatore's Drizzt books, know who Lolth is. First, I suggest said books to anyone with an attention span and three-digit IQ. Also, never fear! For the unexposed (read as stupid) general public, I've added examples from various sources, be they Biblical, Salvatorian or from the D&D pantheon itself, to verify my points and let you know what the hell I'm talking about. I know, I know, I'm a saint.

Anyway, a brief run-through on Lolth is in order. Lolth, also called Lloth, was created by Gary Gygax(RIP) though most of my references will be drawn from the Dark Elf Trilogy, once again by R. A. Salvatore, who writes novels for Dungeons & Dragons' Forgotten Realms setting. According to his writings and the Forgotten Realms Pantheon, she is the main deity of the Drow -- a goddess of chaos who cursed with the shape of a spider. The Drow are a violent, warring race related to the elves, only they dwell almost soley underground and live only for the favor of their Spider Queen.

Sound Familiar?	God	Lolth
Beginnings&Betrayal:	God made a nice place for the first humans to live, with a tree that was created to -- for some unknown, moronic reason -- to turn said nice place into one big clusterfuck. They ate and God was petty enough to cast his "beloved" children out into this shithole.	Formerly a goddess of fate and guardians of the once-good dark elves, Lolth betrayed her lover and creator of the elves, Corellon, by allying with the evil Orc god Gruumsh in assassination attempts on the big man himself. She was discovered, and after some drama, the Dark Elves became the Drow and were thrust into darkness forever.
Mass Destruction	God didn't like what his little tree fiasco accomplished, and decided to go exterminator with a flood, promising later that he would never again flood the earth. . . No, the next mass destruction's supposed to be fire instead. Isn't that sweet? Grab some marshmallows and kiss your ass goodbye!	Lolth never wiped out all of creation exluding a select few. Families and houses are destoyed regularly, but in this, she doesn't have shit on God.
Sacrifice of the Innocent	God's done a lot of that. It was commonplace all throughout the Old Testament that animals be sacrificed, and then there was the Jesus Christ scandal. What kind of asshole would sacrifice his own son? Abraham, apparently; God asked him to do the same thing, only to go "SYKE! Here's a sheep, lol." at the last minute. Furthermore, in ancient Egypt, he killed the pharoah's innocent firstborn son for the sins of his father.	Lolth demands the sacrifice of every third born of every family's matriarch. Further sacrifices are always welcome, especially when asking for powerful gifts. At least she gives something besides a "get out of hell free" card in return.
Genocide	Can you say "Crusades"? It goes back further than that, though. When Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt after the child murder bit, he had the desert-weary band destroy all of Canaan, specifically stating to kill men, women, and children, leaving no one alive under penalty of destruction.	In the ever-ensuing quest to gain Lolth's favor, the Drow sometimes raid bands of surface-dwellers, most often elves, also not leaving a single child alive.
Racial Bias	God has always called the Israelites his chosen people, and guided them in their early times in many conquests and victories, be it the slaughter of the Canaanites or little David's conquest against Goliath.	If a family loses Lolth's favor, it's well known to the others that this is their chance to extinguish a competitor or to gain status. Unless they earn her forgiveness, falling is inevitable.
Gender Superiority	Biblically, God has always had put into his word that males are to lead families. In traditional Christian wedding vows, women must promise to obey their grooms. Women are traditionally allowed no part in religious activities, and are mentioned rarely in the Bible as having much more than a supporting role. Also, Lilith lost her favor with God because she refused to become subordinate to Adam.	Lolth, taking the opposite direction, has made females her chosen. The smaller and weaker males, upon the slightest disrespect, are at the whim of whoever with a cunt happens to hold the closest viper-headed cat-of-nine-tails. Males are looked at as pathetic and inferior, and are taught that they are such from birth. Like God's women, they also have no part in religious ceremonies, unless they call for a sacrifice. . .
Competition	Because of his vague and often metaphoric terms used to dictate various rules and regulations of his religion, God has inspired much spite and competition between his various denominations. Everyone believes everyone else is going to hell, and many of them would even like to watch the other do just that after a nice, fun religious debate.	Lolth's favor is dictated by status, just as status dictates Lolth's favor. There are no laws against mass murder, as long as it's for status (as it almost always is) and no one is caught.
Cruel & Unusual Punishment	Everyone knows that if you don't do something involving God, you go to hell. No warning, no second chance, just a lake of fire. The best part is no one can make up their minds on what this something is. Some say you have to do some freaky "acceptance" thing. Some say just be good. Some say tell someone every time you do something bad. We're all fucked.	Lolth prefers to torture her transgressors while they're still alive. A favorite tactic is to turn them into something called a Dryder: a tortured half-drow, half spider, forced to live in exile amongst others cursed with Lolth's anger. Another is to simply stop supporting the family, allowing them to be devoured in the race's ever-raging war for power and ultimately forgotten forever.
The Helpers	God has these things called "angels". Sure, they're pretty, but who's the last person that could pass a drug/blood alcohol test at any given moment that saw one? To be God's helpers, they sure don't do much. I've seen zitty McDonald's employees put forth more effort.	Not so aesthetically pleasing, Lolth's droopy looking handmaidens, the Yochlols, can actually be summoned and conversed with! They're not thrilled about it, and are usually more than happy to let you know so, but it's better than nothing.
Disappearing Act	Reading throughout the Bible, we read about all kinds of epic ways that God has shown himself to mankind. One of those aforementioned angels here, a miracle there. Most people knew he was still around keeping things in order. Now, we have natural disasters and nuclear threats, but no word from that fuckoff anywhere. Where did he go, Bermuda?	Lolth vanished for quite awhile during the War of the Spider Queen series, similarly not answering prayers and causing much turbulence within her people's ranks, such as holy wars! That sounds vaguely familiar. . .
Bothering Me	God apparently didn't like me writing this compare and contrast: My cat tried to run away with my sock several times throughout this, and my dog won't leave me alone.	Lolth entertained me greatly with her ever-failing attempts to kill one of my favorite fictional characters! In fact, some theorize that since she loves chaos so much and Drizzt, being a rare moralistic drow, has stirred up so much chaos among all of the races that the Drow's former attempts on his life are now forbidden.

Fucking Annoying Questions

2008-03-15T17:37:04Z

Rants

Q:Do you really hate ________ that much? If so, you need help.
A:If I actually hated everything I talk about on here as much as your gullible minds are led to believe, you're right. I'd be a pathetic individual -- maybe even as sad as some of you. In reality, most of the shit I rant about annoys me at worst, but I just come up with great and self-amusing ways to take the piss out of it, most often while at work or while trying to sleep. I get home, think "Oh, good. Now I can prevent any potential 'update ur site cuz i wnt moar lulz' harassment." and ultimately, I do so.

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Q:You used a saying from (idiot-infested cesspool of a forum here)! Are you one of them?
A:I've been in just about every one of the scuzziest wrinkles of the puckered anus that is the Internet. If you're referring to such a forum, it's most likely the case that I've either been there, or maybe I just know a few morons from there and am just baiting you to know which of you are complete tools who giggle incessantly at the same phrases and pictures uttered over and over and masturbate to pictures of Sailor Moon. Jokes get old. Maybe one day you'll at least catch up with puberty.

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Q:Oh yeah?! Well, you like ________. How would you feel if I made fun of them?
A: I'd probably sit here in my comfy chair giggling my face off at your sorry-assed attempt to imitate me, and feel honored both at said attempt and at the fact that no one can say shit I'd say better than me.

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Q:You've said "Nothing pisses me off more than. . . " once for almost every rant you have. Doesn't that mean you're contradicting yourself?
A:Why yes, it does! How brilliant of you to catch me in that one. My hands are tied. I can't outwit you. You're probably one of those comedic geniuses that like to take figures of speech in every day conversation literally, only to laugh at your own jokes, usually alone unless the resident Down's Syndrome kid's nearby. I'm in way over my head, but then I should probably let you know that everything previously typed in this answer was sarcasm, lest you try for professional stand-up. Here's something to take literal: I hope you choke.

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Q:I think you're a fat, male, twenty-five-year-old virgin who lives in his mother's basement and watches hentai. Is that true?

A:Internet stereotypes never cease to amuse me. Neither does the fact that just because someone makes good points, types like they might've graduated high school, and doesn't make everything pink, it is automatically assumed that they're male! I'll say this: you're wrong on all counts. Who knows? Maybe I'll take a picture or something later, but don't kill yourselves if you don't. -- Wait, who am I kidding? Go for it. Don't let me tell you what to do!

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Q:Why isn't there anything in your bio section?
A:Have any of you ever eaten Sour Patch Kids? You know that burn you start to get when you know you've eaten way too many, and you've been puckering up a little and the sour granules are scraping the top of your mouth raw? That's what that amount of self-expression would do to your brain. Think about it: This is already an art site. It's also already a resource site and a rant source. I know you can't get enough of me, but damn.

Okay, I'm shitting you. I can't just lie to you all like that. Truth is, I just want you to look at the shit I post. Too many people on sites like this, MySpace, Facebook, and every other social networking Internet shithole draw conclusions and opinions of people from these self-obsessed little bios that twelve-year-old girls type in about all of the things they want you to know about them, every little word of it softened down to make them socially acceptable and digestible for everybody. For instance "I sucked my first dick at ten and have already banged a quarter of my homeroom!" is now "Likes: boys". "I like to go to idiot parties with my degenerate friends, where I often drink myself retarded and turn into the local mechanical bull." transforms into a purée of bullshit and pretentious arrogance that goes something like "I'm always up to hang out, and am always looking for a good time." So, why bother typing any of it? I could say I was Christopher Walken or Angelina Jolie on here if I wanted, and for all you know, I just might be. Read the shit I post, and get your own damn ideas. Think for yourself every once in awhile.

Oh, and I'm just too lazy to type about shit I like. Where's the fun in that? No one has "dislikes" sections anymore.

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Q:If you hate blogs, profile sites and social networking so much, why are you here, giving people who make them just another place to draw money from their ads?
A:Because unlike most of you, I make my own money, have my own bills to pay, and buy my own shit. Mommy and Daddy don't buy me bandwidth, and I have better things to spend my money on. Furthermore, where better to talk about how much you hate a group of people, than right in their faces where they stumble across what you have to say? Honestly, this works out better for me. Besides, if someone wasn't here to teach you blithering vaginae how to actually use this place, where would you be? Writing your boring little recollections of "Johnny" and "Susan", to people who live states and countries away and don't know dick about you, let alone your fat, pimply friends.

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Design

Q:So, how did you learn Photoshop?
A:The same way Sonny Moore learned to be a faggot: I was browsing the Internet, one day about two years ago, and BAM! I see this picture on this page that I stumbled onto completely by accident. I was stunned. I'd never seen anything like it before and didn't even know people did that. I noticed myself liking it, and I didn't know what to think. I mulled it over for a few days, realizing what I'd learned about myself: I wanted to learn how to do that. I decided I'd get my hands on some of the equipment and try it. Next thing I knew, I was experimenting with any material I could find, intimately exploring every nook and cranny; any setting or mode or brush to probe that I could. Before I knew it, I was learning to combine elements for the ultimate experience, using just the right positions and touches to imitate things I saw online. Eventually, I ended up with a partner who was into the same thing. We learned a lot together, always showing one another our new tricks and giving away our little secrets. It became quite competitive at times, since we both had the same tools and were always eager to show off what we knew. The relationship ended, though we're still the best of friends, and I still thirsted for the white hot seed of creative expression. Like many a single, I took back to my roots -- back to the Internet. I browsed all of the best private sites, read their stories and their tips on how to do the finer manipulations as well as they do. I learned a lot from the pros. More importantly, I learned what I liked and what turned me off. I realized that I liked it dirty, especially when it means taking things with such clean edges and so much appeal only to manipulate them into my own filthy little creation. The dirtier it got, the more I wanted. Soon, I was working with filmstrips and around buildings and alleyways. I was finding my niche. With my own individual touch, came a higher pleasure. I eventually caught the intrigue of a webhost. The man had an afro bigger than my flatscreen monitor, but he liked what I could do and what it could do for him, so I took him up on the offer. I did pretty well, for a somewhat inexperienced feature with an obscure host, cresting 1,000 individual visitors within a few months and even hooking up with some of the very pros I learned from. Maybe my youth and inexperience was part of my allure. So many like it better when the sta-- I mean, artist has more to show for less practice. Sadly, the site wasn't up long. Shortly after I hit 1,000, he deleted my entire FTP folder because I quit going to his chatrooms. I'd recently had to reformat my hard-drive, and therefore lost everything. After that, I took a hiatus for awhile, but every time I'd see one of those sites, or a picture that showed a little too much talent, the urge would come back. I couldn't fight it much longer. I knew who I was. I couldn't just let that go. So, here I am. I'm honestly a little rusty because I only recently have time again to do this kind of thing, but I hope to post my best (and worst ;> ) works here, shamelessly, for all of you to view. Also, I think I'm about to vomit. The things I do for you, o' heartless public.

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Q.What programs do you use?
A:For HTML, I use the most cutting-edge program available. For all of you webdesigners, I highly recommend it. It's called "Wordpad". That's right. Plain and simple. Pussy programs that do it for you, like Frontpage or whatever, are designed by people and just as likely to fuck up as I am. I'd at least like to take that responsibility into my own hands. Wordpad even comes with this handy keyboard shortcut, Ctrl+Z, that undoes said fuck-ups for me! How amazing is that? Then, I can use the wonderful "Save" feature to make sure nothing happens to the file, and keep it in my archives. For my graphics, only CS will do. No, not CS2 or CS3. That's CS. It's the program I learned with, and I'm not about to ditch it because some update claims to be better. Besides, CS2's layer selection thing pisses me off and I've not even tried CS3, but I'll bet my ass it's even worse. I'm too habit-oriented to change up every time something updates, and I'd rather devote the 490 gigs of hard-drive space I have between my two computers to something more important than updates of updates of updates.

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Q:You said that you learned from other sites. Which sites? / Where do you get your resources and stock?
A:Sadly, the main two, 44suburbia and themagicbox, don't exist anymore, but they still have journals here. 44suburbia's is peachinparis and themagicbox's is loleiasbits. Another good spot is magurno.com and for resources you can't beat Dearest. Also, for good stock, since we don't all live in areas abundant with great photo ops, flickr is Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny and Jesus all in one.

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Q:Could you make me a layout/icon/collage featuring (celebrity here)?
A:One thing I pride myself on as a graphic artist is that unlike many on here, I haven't fallen to celebrity worship. There are few celebrities that inspire me to do anything but become governor of California, break it off from the Union, and piss the rest of the world off enough so that they bomb it beyond recognition, while my happy ass is in Hawaii or somewhere, thinking of all of the vegans, Scientologists, shitty musicians, actors and actresses that are dying a safe, yet short distance away. In fact, if you notice, most of my art is inspired by music. Give me a musically inspired request, and if I don't get the urge to laugh at you immediately because of your music taste, we'll talk.

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This is all I have for now, but I'm sure stupid people with stupid questions will continue to perpetuate this list. Who knows? Maybe I'll start crediting you dipshits. I can see it now. . . the layout would change to:

Q:Stupid question
A:Intelligent and well thought-out answer, despite said stupid question
Moron who asked:

Wouldn't that be great? For all of you attention whores out there, it would be your chance to shine! Your fifteen minutes, if you will, to be featured on MY journal. It would also give my more intelligent readers the chance to laugh at your stupidity. Everyone wins. You know, that's a great idea. I love me.